Grieving Through Your Current Situation

Three weeks ago, my doctor diagnosed me with hypertension! I wasn’t even there in his office for that. I was there for my four-month blood work monitoring since having my thyroid removed six years ago. But as they always do, checking weight and taking blood pressure is an every visit thing, no matter the reason for being there. 

My blood pressure has always jumped around a bit. But up until 2012, following the issues with my thyroid, it had typically bounced between normal and low; only sometimes being a bit on the borderline scale. After the surgery, the bounce was more times borderline, some times normal, and at times high; like following my knee surgery two years later when it took a while for it to come back down following the repair of torn meniscus.

But my primary doctor wasn’t overly concerned. Because just as likely as it was for it to be borderline or a little high during one visit, it was back to normal the next visit. When he entered the room this time, I knew something was up. After a few visits of borderline-to-high, with the added issue of the American Medical Association lowering the numbers for what they now consider to be hypertension, he insisted now was the time to start medication to control what had become a slow, but steady, rise in my numbers.

I’m not one to chase medicine. I’ve never really understood people who go to their doctors wanting to leave having been prescribed something. I managed to remain off of any “life sustaining” drugs for most of my life, until I had to have the thyroidectomy.  It was just last Christmas when my sister commented on the fact that she was surprised, if not impressed, that I only had that one bottle; the synthoids, that I took. Maybe she jinxed me; if I believed in that!

There’s something about being told you have something that at first seems out of your control. For me, it’s been hard to deal with.

I had my first check up last week, and while he purposefully started me out on a low dose, I was disappointed to see that it hasn’t appeared to have done much yet. My BP was basically running the same as weeks earlier. I guess on the good news front, he discovered that I’m not allergic to it. 

It’s funny what news like this can do to you. When I used to get a headache, I used to wonder is it stress? Am I dehydrated? Did I remember to eat? How well did I seep last night? Anyone of them was often the case in the past. Now, when my head starts hurting, my first thought is, “Oh no, my BP is up! What did I eat last night? Did it have too much salt in it? have I been too tense? Do I need to relax more? Should I take an extra pill?”

To be honest, just the thought of having high blood pressure has stressed me out to the point of raising my blood pressure! I keep wondering why the quick onset in less than a year? What is different in my life today that wasn’t there five years ago; or even last year?

Now, every tinge I feel in my head, my thoughts get out of control. Am I going to have a stroke?  Like my grandmother did in the middle of a church service. Am I going to be on medications the rest of my life; the kind that may contribute later to kidney failure, like what happened to my mother?

When I go to the gym, I rethink every piece of equipment before I use it. How long is too long on the bike? Where’s my safe zone of cardio and heart rate? Dare I get down on the floor to do crunches? What about lifting weights over my head (which raises your heart rate, and BP)?

I don’t want to live in a constant state of fear. The literature certainly talks about various ways of successfully controlling your blood pressure — almost all relying on medications, but control nonetheless. Unfortunately,  the way my mind works, all I can think about these days are the people in my family, and friend’s families, who have died of something related to having high blood pressure. I will admit, many of them had undiagnosed and/or untreated hypertension. But that doesn’t really make me feel that much better.

I think in some ways I’m going through some of the steps of grief. Perhaps I’ve been in denial most of this year, as I began exhibiting probable signs of hypertension even before last month when my doctor could ignore it no longer. Now, I’m in the “blame myself for everything I could have done or should have done differently,” to avoid it getting to this place.  Should I have worked out more? Was it my frequent visits to the salt cave? Or the increase use of Pink Himalayan sea salt (which I’d read was healthy, and better for you than regular salt)? Maybe I over did it with all those salt lamps in my house? Too much coffee? Poor sleeping habits? The list could go on and on!

Any of you ever struggle with grieving over your current health situation, thinking there were ways to avoid something you end up now having to deal with? Or is it just me?