The Healing Ministry of Presence

I saw this tweet last week from Rick Warren, a pastor, an author, and the father of a son who committed suicide several years ago. That had to be so hard for him, his wife and family, being a pastor of a large church, a best-selling author of several books, including The Purpose Driven Life, and in the public spotlight for a number of reasons; beyond just the Church community. Grieving the loss of a loved one is hard enough, for anyone. But having to do it in a fishbowl of onlookers, had to be hard. That said, I will admit that I was one of the onlookers, not just with him, but others, watching to see the reaction of spiritual leaders when they’re in the midst of the pain of great loss and grief; to see if they deal with it in the same way that they teach or preach for other people to do. 

As most of you reading this know, grief varies with each individual, and our reaction to it and how it impacts us does as well. One of the things that made me respect Rick Warren even more when his son passed away was that he didn’t hide behind closed doors, forbidding the public from witnessing what they were going through at the time. Nor did he parade around outside, acting as though it was just another day; pretending to be like a superman; with everything bouncing off him.

It’s been over five years since Rick’s son’s death. And like many of us, I’m sure there are many things — a song, a scent, a favorite restaurant, or book; birthdays and holidays; and some times, just every day memories, and some days nothings — that remind them of their son/brother/friend. Reading his tweet just reminded me of the many messages he shared and words of encouragement he gave, and continues to give, that were probably meant as much for himself as to others listening.

But today, I share this tweet that’s not necessarily meant for the griever, but for everyone else in their sphere. We all know them. Heck, most of us have probably been “them” at one time or another. You know, the well-meaning friend or co-worker who’s trying to find the right words to say to make you feel better; who want to try to keep you busy for a while with dinner and movie invitations, as if that’s suppose to take your mind off your pain. The person who drops by the house to spend time with you, but then wants to talk about anything other than what’s really on your mind. The designated “deacon” from church who throws scripture at you faster than you can put on a mitt to catch them. And the discipleship group members who insist — in every card, email, or voice message left — on reminding you that God is still in control. Like you need the added guilt of thinking about whether for just a second, you might have questioned that fact somewhere along the way.

This quote speaks volumes, that to some may at first appear too direct, and maybe show an unappreciated heart; but for those who sit on this side of the grief, to understand that we love you, and we appreciate you wanting to be there and take the time to acknowledge our pain and help with our healing. But sometimes; maybe most of the time, we just need for you to stop trying so hard to to pull us through or push us out of our grief process. And maybe just sit there, quietly, and grieve with us in it.

“When people are in deep pain they don’t need explanations, advice, encouragement, or even Scripture. They just need you to show up and shut up. Just be WITH them. It’s the healing ministry of presence.”