How to Help a Grieving Friend

I sat quietly back, sipping on the lemonade the pastor had brought to the house, along with sacks full of Chick-Fil-A, and watched as the parade of people stopped by my sister’s house. We were only 36 hours into this shock wave, and there was already a long list of things to do; decisions that had to be made sooner rather than later. Hours earlier, we sat with the Director of the memorial gardens where my young nephew would be laid to rest, picking out all the various elements one had to do before the burial.

This was not our first experience. We’d unfortunately entered the world of family loss and grieving 16 years earlier when my mom passed away. This nephew was only 2 1/2 years old at the time. My dad followed my mom less than three years later, and then a brother four years after that. We are born opted-in to this club membership we never asked for, yet everyone tells you that one day you’ll be a part of. But no one really prepares you for that “one day” to be someone so young. And no parent expects to bury their own child.

But such is life, with all of the unpredictable things that comes with living it. And while many people want to help and comfort those who have experienced this loss; who are hurting, and who started the grieving process the moment they got “that” phone call, most aren’t sure what to do, so they fall back on the old traditions of flowers, food, and flooding the person’s voicemail with messages.

But there are other ways to help a grieving family; especially a grieving mother, when they are in those first days and weeks of experiencing a loss. And depending upon your relationship with the one left behind, being more than just another person sitting in the room at a loss for words, think through ways you can make a difference in that person’s life, as they are dealing with their loved ones death.

I. Immediately after the news —

1. No matter how someone has passed away, don’t keep asking the grieving mother (father, sibling, spouse, etc.) to keep repeating it. Find someone else who knows the details, if you feel you must know.
2. If you bring food to the house, don’t just hand it to the grieving person. They are often so overwhelmed that they can’t think and answer even the simple questions about what to do with what you gave them. If the food needs to stay warm, go stick it into the oven at a low temperature. Maybe come prepared with a note that indicates what it is, and a reminder that it’s in the oven. If you bring something that needs refrigerating, put it in there. Keep in mind that this person’s loss is new. They did not take the time to clean out their own refrigerator, so don’t assume they have space for that huge Greek salad you made. Find the space, rather than tasking them to do it. If you bring drinks, consider also bringing a cooler with ice and some cups. The last thing an overwhelmed person with a sudden influx of friends, neighbors, church members, and family all showing up to their house at one time, needs to worry about is where all that food is going, and how to store everything.
3. Instead of bringing food, bring your gift of service to them. Come over with the intent of cleaning. If you see dishes in the sink, wash them, or load the dishwasher for them. Ask if they mind for you to help organize their refrigerator; clear out the old stuff and make room for the items people are dropping by. Offer to clean the guest bathroom that everyone is suddenly using. Be that person who makes sure there’s plenty of soap, toilet paper, paper towels, and air freshener in there, and that the small trash can gets emptied. Remember, they weren’t expecting you or the other 30 people that dropped by.
4. Don’t be THAT person! If you hang around to eat, then throw away your own trash. Don’t leave things around that the grieving family has to go behind you and clean up. And if you see cups and plates that others left, collect them and toss them. Check the level of the indoor trash, and if it’s full, bag the garbage and place in the outdoor trash bin. If you’re local and you see the outdoor trash is overflowing, take a couple of bags home with you and put in your own trash can.
5. Look around for other ways to serve. Then make a plan to come back and do so. No matter how many people drop by in the initial few days, more people will come on the day of the loved one’s visitation and/or funeral service. So if it’s winter time, look to see if the sidewalk need scrapping or salting to prevent slips? If it’s autumn, do the leaves need raking/blowing and bagging up? Could the porch and steps use a sweeping. If it’s warm climate, you could help arrange chairs outside on the deck to give relief to so many people being indoors.
6. If the person has pets, offer to help take care of them. Come over and walk the dog, feed the fish, change the bird’s cage, empty the cat’s litter box, etc. Anything you can do that they may forget to do, will be appreciated.
7. Take them for a mani-pedi before the service, and pay for it. It will not be the first thing on their minds, but they will appreciate having it done afterwards. Or make a hair (or barber) appointment with a trusted stylist who can fit them in, understanding the circumstance and limited time.

II. After the Funeral —

1. Be mindful that grieving doesn’t end when the loved one has been placed in the ground. For many people, that’s when the hardest part begins; the realization that the person is gone forever. So don’t abandon the person after the service is over. they need to hear from you now, perhaps even more than the first days after losing someone.
2. Ask if they’d like help around the house once their overnight guests have gone. There are sheets and towels to be washed, beds to be made (including theirs), a kitchen and/or bathrooms to be cleaned, floors to be swept, mopped, or vacuumed, furniture to be put back in place, and related items. It’s not glamorous, but the grieving person would greatly appreciate it later.
3. There is a lot of paperwork, appointments, and decisions that have to be made after a family member has passed. Spouses, adult children who are an only child, and single parents who lose a child are often the most overwhelmed because there’s no one there to help get it all done. If it is an unmarried adult child who passes, then it’s also typically left up to their parents to take care of everything. So if you’re retired or have a flexible work schedule, offer to drive that person to their appointments. Be their sounding board. Help them read through documents, or prioritize the lesser important decisions that can wait.
4. Don’t assume that other family members are taking care of them. Depending upon who has passed away, many of them may be trying to survive taking care of themselves. Some have limited bereavement days and can’t stay past the funeral service. Many may have to balance their own households to try to help out on the front end. If you know any of them personally, check on them also. They are probably hurting, stressed out, and trying to keep it together. If you don’t know them, you can still tell them you’re thinking of them too.

III. Moving Forward —

1. Most of the flowers, cards, text messages, and drop-byes start to wane in week two or three, and are pretty much non-existent within a few weeks after the service. But that’s often when all of those coming “events,” deepen the pain of their loss when those days arrive. If your friend has lost their spouse, make a point of noting their wedding anniversary on your calendar and then check up on them on that day. If they’ve lost a parent, be mindful of the fact that they may not want to sit through a Mother’s Day or Father’s Day program at church. Pre-emptively think about what triggers may set off a depressive decline, such as watching the kids their child grew up with, heading off to high school or college. Or that first birthday that rolls around after they’re gone.
2. Offer to help them sort through their loved ones things “when they’re ready.” Or help them organize all the incoming cards and letters, so they can feel more productive getting the thank you notes out. While you’re at it, pick up a book of stamps, help address the envelopes, and then take the notes to the post office for them.
3. Instead of bringing food in, ask them out. Take them to a nice restaurant where they can eat some of the non-standard “funeral food” (so no fast food, or chips and salsa, fried chicken, etc.). Weather permitting, choose a place outdoors so that they can get some fresh air.
4. Speaking of fresh air, engage them in activities that take them out of the house. Ask them to join you for a walk, run, jog or bike around the block (or even just to the end of the street). Exercise and fresh air will do them good. If you’re both into yoga or meditation, bring your mat to their house if they don’t feel like going to the studio.

In other words, don’t take the short-cut when it comes to helping a grieving person during their darkest times. If you’re a work colleague, exercise a little more patience with them when they return to work. If you’re a church member, offer to pray with them and over them in private. Don’t force them to come down in front of the entire congregation to be prayed for. If you’re a neighbor, offer to keep an eye on the house, get the mail, water the plants, if they have to go out of town. Do something that requires more of you than pulling out your credit card; and something that would be beneficial to them.

Grief comes in many colors, styles; waves and stillness. It varies with each person and with the nature of the passing of each loved one There is no “one size fits all” when it comes to the grief.