Conversations with a Stranger

I’m back in my hometown for the Memorial Day weekend. It’s been mostly a good trip so far. I’ve kept it low key, not trying to connect with everyone while I’m home. For most of the first of two weeks, I’ve been hanging out at Starbucks in an attempt to get some writing done. So far, it’s been a little disappointing, as I’ve endured several distractions, including some I create myself!

But I had an interesting distraction one day last week. I went to the same Starbucks and sat at the same small table two days in a row. The first day, I ended up joining in on some hot topic discussions that the guys at the table next to me were having. I tried to remain focused on my writing and not get pulled into their conversation, but I couldn’t help it. And they didn’t seem to mind.

The second day, I was happy to see that none of the tables close to me were occupied. I was determined to pick up where I left off in completing a writing project. But 10 minutes after I got started, one of the men from the day before came in. And he sat right down next to me where he was sitting the day before. Recognizing me as the same person too, we struck up another conversation. The next thing I knew, an hour had passed, and we were still talking; about everything. And part of the everything included life, death, and the struggles of family.

He shared with me about a big fracture in his relationship with his brother, including the background on how it got to be where it is now. Like most relationships, the cracks didn’t happen overnight. But it was in just one fateful night, after yet another public argument, that he walked away. As I listened to the various things his brother did, things he said, and even what he failed to do, I told him about how much his brother sounded a lot like one of mine. As I began to share some of my story, it was amazing to compare some of the common denominators our brothers had. We laughed some about how different siblings can be, despite being raised in the same house, by the same parents, in the same environment. After hearing some of my story, about things going on with my brother and in my family as a whole, it was the question he asked at the end that grabbed my attention. 

“Have you forgiven your brother?”

What a question for a total stranger to ask; not just for an answer, but to also engage in further conversation. It would have been easy for me to just say “yes,” and move on to another topic. Or perhaps even return to the work I was trying to get done. But to be truthful in my response, it demanded an explanation.

“God said He made us in His image. And so I know that He has given us the capacity to do as He does every day; to forgive AND forget the very moment we ask,” I started. “But I have yet to meet any man or woman who truly does everything as God does; even as He commands. And so I’m not sure there’s many people, if any at all, who when they say they have forgiven someone of something they deem to be terrible…who can and has also forgotten what it was, as if it never happened.”

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12

I kew I had not answered the question, but I wanted to qualify it as well. So I gave my new stranger-friend a short story to consider. Knowing he had a 13-year old daughter, I went straight for the extreme, but not impossible, and asked him:

“Let’s say you get a phone call, and find out that someone has raped your daughter. Perhaps it’s someone you know. You rush to the hospital and find her in complete disarray physically and emotionally. In a matter of time, she struggles mentally with reminders of the attack. Within weeks, you learn she’s pregnant. Abortion’s not an option for you, so you watch as your 13 year old daughter’s stomach grows, and night terrors increase, re-living the trauma of a rape, carrying the child of a rapist, and dying a little bit every day just trying to adjust. And as much as you want to reassure her that everything’s going to be okay, you’re not so sure yourself. And nine months flies by and your now 14 year old daughter is in the middle of labor, experiencing the type of pain that should have been reserved for the joyous occasion of giving birth for the first time, in a marriage, with someone she loved, having a baby they planned for. But, instead, you’re watching her tears and agony, as your chid screams out, WHY?!”

I knew I painted a daunting picture for him. It wasn’t even something I had to think about. The story just came out. Because I know to each individual person struggling with forgiving someone after a traumatic event or situation, it is to that person their own worst nightmare, even if others don’t always see it that way.

So I asked him “Do you think you can forgive the man who raped your daughter? And if you can, do you really think you could forget everything associated with that act?”

My point wasn’t to be dramatic, but to try to answer his question with my own questions.

What is forgiveness? What does forgiveness look like for you?

For some people, they want to forget everything associated with the action, and never think or talk of it again. They forgive the person, but also want to forget that person. They don’t want to acknowledge or remember what was done to them or to someone they loved. Out of site, out of mind. To them being able to forgive means they must also make themselves forget.

For others, they may forgive the person’s actions, but those actions may also have created a domino effect, like in my story to him, that leaves behind the aftermath that can’t be simply forgotten. They may want to forget the person, but that person may leave reminders of who they are and what they did; consequences that someone else is having to bear.

So I guess to answer the question properly, it would depend on how one wants to define “forgiveness.” Is it having the ability not to think about that person and their actions ever again? Or is it having the ability to forget those things ever happened? Maybe it’s something else altogether.

I’ve often heard that forgiveness is more about the Giver and not the Receiver. I agree. Forgiveness is a place we must get to in order to keep from becoming bitter; to prevent the seeds of anger and avoid hatred from taking over.

I’m guess that’s why God commands us to do it. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do.

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15