The Masks We Wear

I’ve been thinking a lot about the events of the past week; especially in light of the nature of this blog. Grief is for real! And it can come from many different areas and display in people in many different ways. It’s obvious from the nature of the media coverage, that the fashion and entertainment industries, including many journalists, are trying to come to grips with the loss of two prominent people in less than a week. Grief following the death of a loved one is hard. Trying to figure out the why, when someone takes their own life, is even more difficult.

There’s been several reoccurring things I’ve heard many people talking about. One, of course, is a need to start a healthy conversation about depression and mental illness in this country. There’s also been a lot of talk about the role of isolationism and loneliness, and what impact the internet and social media may play in our withdrawal from having face-to-face relationships.

But even when we do engage in real-time, in-person, conversations, what are we really saying?

Too often, many of us only share just a specific part of who we are; oftentimes the “part” we think our friends, neighbors, co-workers, and maybe even family members want to see. We’re not trying to be deceitful. But sometimes we’re uncertain of how much we can trust that person with. Other times, we know that they have a specific notion of who we are, and we don’t want to disappoint. We don’t want people to think we haven’t been truthful with them. Imagine the irony of that statement. That action. And maybe we’re still trying to work through that area struggle ourselves, and don’t want to put it out there in the universe so that we don’t give in to it.

Just this weekend, I shared a specific thing with someone I’ve known for a few years. It’s only been recently that we became “peers,” but nonetheless, she was surprised to hear what I was talking about. She had a view of me and who I was that wasn’t “false.” It just wasn’t the complete picture.

I think to some degree many of us wear different masks to protect our lives. When we’re going through tough times, we put on the mask of determination, and try to just push through whatever it is that’s causing our challenges. When we’re sad, but entering into a group of friends or people we spend life with, we grab the mask of happiness to hide how we’re really feeling inside. Successful people are hesitant to share their insecurities, so they hide behind a mask of having it all together and being able to do anything!

Single people are often told to be patient. So they wear a mask of contentment, even if they’re not there, because that’s what the books, and the pastors, and the well-meaning married people tell them. To be truthful and say otherwise would only open them up to lectures about waiting on God’s timing, or conversations about all the things they’re doing wrong, or not doing right to find that mate.

Some Christians wear masks of complete acceptance, afraid to ask questions that might mark them as a disruptor, someone not marching to the drumbeat of the Church. Or they show up at church with masks hiding their personal struggles with fertility, or the challenges of raising kids. They hide the truths about their financial situations, and don’t want to talk about the reality of the hardship of married life, or the guilt associated with working outside the home, or those working in it.

All these different multi-colored masks. Anything to keep us from really allowing people to see and get to know who we really are.

And the fault isn’t always that of the person doing the sharing. Sometimes, it’s because the person they’re talking to isn’t really listening to what they’re saying.

How are you?

Fine. And you?

I’m fine. You up for going to lunch with us today?

Sure. But I need to run by the vet’s office first.

Why?

Because I had to have my cat put to sleep last night. I need to pick up some things.

Oh. I’m sorry…….. So where do you want to meet for lunch?

Even in our grief, and perhaps moreso because of it, we grab a mask before heading out the door. We want to be included back into the group, so we pretend that we’ve dealt with everything, as if trying to prove our worthiness not to be left behind by those who have become distant. Grief can make those around the person dealing with it, feel uncomfortable. They don’t just want to know that you’re okay, they want to make you okay so that they can be okay, and life can be okay, and things can go back to normal.

Life is hard. But it’s not impossible, or we wouldn’t be doing it every day. I think we have to start admitting when we’re not being our authentic self. Then ask the question of why? Is it only around some people? Or around all people? Is it in certain circumstances? Or with life in general? If we can’t leave our house without putting on a mask everyday just to get through the day, then we have to also be honest with ourself and seek out professional help. And we need to be okay with acknowledging that need.

So which mask did you put on today? How often do you wear one?  And what will it take for you to feel safe enough to remove them all, and let the world, or at least your friends, see and get to know the real you?