There Never is Just One
Losing a loved one is hard. No matter the age of the one who’s gone, or those left behind. The permanency of it all; trying to grapple with the fact that you will never, ever, ever see that person again; is one of the hardest part. Sure, if you both believe in God, you have hope in knowing that once you’ve passed on, you’ll be reunited with them in Heaven. But on the earth side of life and living, that person’s physical being in your life in gone forever.
“Forever.” That’s the word that makes us drop down to our knees, fall aimlessly across the bed, or trust the wall to hold us up as our emotions give way to intense crying and anguish at accepting that reality while hearing those words “he’s gone,” “she passed away,” “they didn’t make it.”
No matter who has passed away, there’s almost never just one person hurting, grieving; trying to make sense of it all when it’s sudden, or accept that they’re gone, even when it’s “expected.” But many times, those that come to comfort, focus all their attention on one entity, forgetting about the others who may be having the same, or perhaps even a deeper reaction to the news, and difficulty in their grief. Those are the other family members and close friends, who have experienced the loss of their relationship too.
Family isn’t always just the people who you live in a house with. A grieving widow may have lost her husband, but that man was a son before he married. He was “best friends” with some of the kids he grew up with; and oftentimes, he is a brother to siblings, a nephew to aunts and uncles, and cousin to many. The wife must be comforted, but it shouldn’t be at the exclusion of acknowledging others who grieve with her.
How do you remember everyone? You don’t. You can’t. No matter how much you might know the person who passed, you simply can’t know how many and/or how deep a relationship they may have had with other people in their life. But the next time, when you address that sympathy card to that widow/widower, or a parent who’s lost a child,, consider finding out the names of any children living at home, and include their name(s) on the card. Maybe instead of sending flowers to the adults, consider sending something to the kids (and it doesn’t have to be flowers). Before you decide to make that casserole or order food delivery, go the extra mile and ask about the favorite foods the children might like. When you stop by the home to visit, acknowledge the other family members present — the adult siblings of the person, the aunts and uncles, or grandparents. You may not know their names, but coming over to sit with the one you know, while ignoring those you don’t, makes them feel more invisible during an already difficult time; especially if they’re young adults.
So whether it’s your coworker, a neighbor, extended family, or friend who passes away, try to make the extra effort to get to know the names of key family members. Or just ask someone once you arrive. I’m certain they will appreciate not feeling like “just another person” sitting around the home. And if you attend the visitation or service, the funeral home or church makes it easy by seating all the main family members together. So why would you go through the line speaking only to the one person you know, without sharing your sympathy and offering comforting words and condolences to the other family members present as well?
Remember, that no matter the person, there is almost always more than one grieving heart when someone leaves us. Sometimes, it can be just the little things we do that can help ease someone’s pain, even if just for he moment.
