Grieving the Life We Live

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines grief in several ways. We are all most familiar when people talk about the grief that follows the death of a loved one; defined here as a “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.”

But there are elements of grief that many of us suffer through that has nothing to do with losing someone. In another definition grief is defined as a “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.”

This one to me is a better example of what I think many of us suffer with. There is the obvious pain, sorrow, and suffering that comes from losing someone we love. But there are also many other things that we may lose, besides a life, that can cause the same type of mental and emotional turmoil.

I want to talk about some of those over the next couple of weeks.

To start, I recently had coffee with someone I’ve known professionally for over 20 years, but who I hadn’t had a one-on-one relationship with in over a decade. We reconnected over Facebook a few years ago, but until this day, we had not seen each other, or talked more than a few inbox exchanges, and commenting on shared posts.

As we played catch up, I recounted for him some of what I’d been through with several losses I’d endured over the course of a three-year period. He interrupted, perhaps in a bit of disbelief of all that had gone on, and said, “so you must have dealt with some depression too?”

That question, posed more like a statement, didn’t completely catch me off guard. But I did have to pause a moment to think about how I wanted to answer that.

You see, in that three-year period, I:

• Lost my mom
• Lost a relationship with half my siblings
• Lost my dad (two and a half years after my mom)
• Lost fellowship with many at my church, which was going through a split
• Lost the pastor I’d been under the spiritual leadership of for over 10 years
• Lost a good friend (who had also become friends with my parents) to cancer
• Lost my job, which I was told was ending less than a week after returning from my friend’s funeral
• And like hundreds of thousands of others in America…I lost tens of thousands of dollars out of my 401K as we slipped into our recession 

Looking back over that 2005-2008 time period, the years that followed were indeed challenging emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. So who know; maybe what I was feeling was indeed depression. But if so, it was brought on by the grief of my back to back losses. I never had a chance to get through my grieving process before something else happened; something or someone else was taken away from me. Another blow to who I was. It was like being punched in the stomach over and over again, and not being able to catch my breath in between hits.

“You had to have lost your identity in the middle of all of that,” he went on to say.

I found that to be an interesting observation; one I had pondered over myself. To some degree, perhaps it’s true. After all,  I woke up one day in January 2009 reflecting back over the years and the recent fact that I no longer had my parents, that I had a fractured relationship with half my siblings, a church split that made me rethink the difference between “religious” church people and “Christian” ones, and I was no longer employed at the company I’d uprooted my life, and moved 500 miles almost 14 years earlier.

As he shared with me about the depression he went through when he lost a job he loved several years earlier, I was reminded about how the psychological battles we fight in our grief can have as an output, depression. And we don’t always realize it.

The American Psychiatric Association‘s website has some good information about grief and depression that I want to share:

The death of a loved one, loss of a job or the ending of a relationship are difficult experiences for a person to endure. It is normal for feelings of sadness or grief to develop in response to such situations. Those experiencing loss often might describe themselves as being “depressed.”

But being sad is not the same as having depression. The grieving process is natural and unique to each individual and shares some of the same features of depression. Both grief and depression may involve intense sadness and withdrawal from usual activities. They are also different in important ways:

• In grief, painful feelings come in waves, often intermixed with positive memories of the deceased. In major depression, mood and/or interest (pleasure) are decreased for most of two weeks.

• In grief, self-esteem is usually maintained. In major depression, feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing are common.

• For some people, the death of a loved one can bring on major depression. Losing a job or being a victim of a physical assault or a major disaster can lead to depression for some people. When grief and depression co-exist, the grief is more severe and lasts longer than grief without depression. Despite some overlap between grief and depression, they are different. Distinguishing between them can help people get the help, support or treatment they need.

One of the things that stood out to me in their description was this statement: “When grief and depression co-exist, the grief is more severe and lasts longer than grief without depression.”

I think that’s the place I found myself in for many years.

If you are in the middle of a grieving process, but feeling signs of depression, I encourage you to reach out to some professionals, and get help. There is no shame to connecting with someone who can help you through this process; and help prevent things from getting worst.